by A. Joleigh
Agony and torment replace your presence.
Replacing memories that linger.
All the happiness this moment holds
Can be measured within this finger.
Angry at the world, and angry with God
For ripping you away from our home.
Mom and I will never be the same again.
Our world is now hollow and alone.
Damn the sun, the moon and all its glory.
Damn the world, and the sickness inside.
Damn the powers that be, in this life.
Damn this home where you no longer reside.
I realize you’re in a better place,
Where ever that place may be.
I achingly yearn for that better place
To be here with mom and me.
Sharp knives stab at my withering soul.
Tears fall down like rain.
When I agreed to disconnect,
never could I’ve imagined this much pain.
In dismay, I pace to the front doors
Only to see your belongings there.
Wanting desperately to take in your scent
Recollecting the moments we once shared.
Last week I thought to call.
Telling myself I will tomorrow.
Now tomorrow has come and gone.
Nothing left but gut wrenching sorrow.
So much I’ve taken for granted.
Myself—I’ll never forgive.
Why couldn’t I have shown you how much I loved you?
So consumed with the life that I lived.
Pianos sing a song of suffering.
Acquainted with immense pain.
The greatest man I’ve ever known
will not walk through that door again.
Pull me to you. Reach for me as you are.
Let me know that you still exist,
And that you haven’t travelled far.
I ask it of you. I beg of you. I insist.
Fragile and weak you laid in your bed,
Waiting for me to take your life away.
No chance to hear your dying words
No chance to hear what you had to say.
No longer an aching heart,
No longer out of breath.
Such agony, gratefully, has vanished
Along with your untimely death.
Finely tuned harps await.
It’s time for your Eulogy.
For some, it’s just another loss,
But it’s so much more to me.
”One day I’ll find the woman of my dreams
And I’ll want for you to meet her.
Your grandchildren, too, will want to see you.
Missing out on the things you deserve.
In remembrance of a loving father,
Whom we will forever hold dear.
Lingering above. Watching us gather.
No longer in pain. No suffering. No fear.
Thank you for being the man
That our worlds needed to thrive.
Forever in our thoughts and in our prayers.
Unrelentingly, we keep your memory alive.”
I lift the lid to expose your remains.
We see nothing we recognize.
Here lies grey cold powder.
Once your hands, your fingers. Your loving eyes.
“Farewell darling husband and father.”
As we witness your ashes drift along the bay.
A crisp wind whips through our hair,
“Allow the zephyr breeze to take you away.”
Lumps of rock pile inside my throat,
“There will be a time, though, not today.
I will give you that call that I took for granted.
When the unknown will send me your way.”